When does it happen? That quiet shift when we start believing happiness is something we can only reach by getting everything we want, right now.
I can’t quite put my hand on when this belief settles into our minds, but it’s something that I know to be true. I am not sure when the belief settles in, but I know it does. And it’s strange, isn’t it? The expectation that life should hand us everything we want, right when we want it, sounds childish when we say it out loud. However, it seems to be most prevalent in adults, which is even more interesting, because as adults, we have the privilege of time and therefore know for a fact that sometimes the “No” is precisely what we needed to make the correct “Yes” possible somewhere down the road.
But we forget.
Which brings me to something I have been thinking about and was encouraged to write more about (thank you, RJ2!) after I published my last 8 on the 8th newsletter. In the newsletter, I asked what would happen if we saw “No.” as a signal to redirect versus to stop. What if we learned to see “No.” as an opportunity to grow? After all, every challenge can be an opportunity to grow if we allow it. So, I suppose this piece is a little reminder that whenever we feel disappointment creeping in because of them, we take a minute to pause and remember the “No” that transformed us.
Let’s take a moment to reflect on a recent “No.” Depending on the stakes of the “Yes” you were anticipating, the “No” you received could have literally been devastating – mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and maybe even financially. Or that is what it felt like in the moment, and perhaps for many moments (days, weeks, months) that followed.
However, if you are reading this, the “No” didn’t in fact kill you. And depending on how much distance you have from the “fatal No,” you might even consider it one of the better (maybe best!) things that happened to you. The “No” set you up for another “Yes,” perhaps one you were not expecting, and that “Yes” changed the course of your life…for the better.
For example:
- No, you did not get this job. But the job you received down the road was better and led you to build the life you want.
- No, your business plan/idea/storefront will not go forward. But what you learned through the process – to take a risk, to trust yourself, to work diligently at something like never before- has fundamentally changed your cellular makeup as a human.
- No, you did not get the medical result that you wanted. But now you say the diagnosis was the best thing that could’ve happened to you because of how it changed you into a more compassionate and loving human.
- No, that relationship that you so desperately want to be repaired won’t be. But as a result, you figured out how to fix your own heart, which makes you less tossed about by another person’s emotions.
I think this list could probably go on and on if we gave ourselves time to sit with this idea that sometimes the “Nos” are the best things, or at a minimum, the better thing for us.
So that’s what I’m suggesting as we move into this season of slower days and time with family and friends: that we also take a moment to really think through and do an inventory of the “No’s” that we are thankful for.
And in doing so, perhaps we can build the resilience not to be so rocked by the future “Nos” we will receive, and maybe even, just maybe, learning to fall in love with the “No” because we have an understanding that while it may be the end of a particular desire at the moment, it’s typically not the end of our journey. Even if that journey only lasts a few short days more.
